So I watched. It wasn’t easy, but I had some good help:
Who won? That’s easy. Donald Trump. There were lots of take-it-to-the-bank moments, but maybe the best was when one of the candidates—Fidel Castro, or is it Julian Castro? it is hard to tell—said it was essential that the government not only provide abortions for all women, but also for all trans-women. The Saturday Night Live writers must be pretty depressed right now.
It was pretty cute seeing so many of the candidates speak in Esperanto as they tried to disguise that they’re for open borders.
And some clever person in the field decided to “help out” Beto O’Rourke by supplying him with Nixon’s makeup man from the 1960 debates. I’m guessing O’Rourke is so ignorant that he doesn’t know that story at all. (Or maybe he’s using one of those new Gillette girly razors?)
I’m still waiting for a candidate to roll out my favorite cliche of all time: Any country that can land a man on the moon can abolish the income tax. But that will never work for Democrats because the sentence says “man” in it. Silly me.
It wasn’t much above the level of this:
Now you’ll have to excuse me while I look for a new liver.