Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll has found them: Offers I CAN Refuse! She writes:

Every day, dozens of times a day, my Email In-Box is filled with an infinite number of ways to separate me from my money. I have mentioned before that I am a big fan of a particular brand of jeans called NYDJ. That is an acronym for “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans.” They USED to be made in the U.S. of A, which was a big selling point for me, but that ship has sailed now. My other reason for buying them was fit. For whatever reason – probably the scosh of “give” in them — these jeans fit me better than any other I have found. I own several dozen pairs in a wide variety of colors and, yes, sizes.

But is corporate NYDJ happy with me yet? No. Every day, sometimes every hour, I receive emails touting their latest styles, now in (sigh) “sustainable” fabrics. You want to see “sustainable,” you should check out my 40-year-old t-shirts still in service! Including two shirts celebrating the Twins’ World Series wins, which happened in 1987 and 1991. But I digress. If I ever do click on the NYDJ Website and look at a few styles, within minutes I will get another email warning me that “the styles you looked at are selling out fast!”

This kind of busybody monitoring should terrify us all. Now it’s just a normal part of our day. The first time I experienced this was when we moved here in 2010 and I surfed the ‘Net for some patio furniture. The very next day, ALL the pop-up ads on my elderly computer were for – wait for it! – PATIO FURNITURE! “WHAT were the chances?” I thought. And then immediately thought, “Hey, WAIT a minute – what’s going ON here?” Okay, it was not totally “immediately” because I am a naturally trusting naif and also a slow learner.

Should I turn on the television, even trying to listen to some relaxing music on YouTube, I will be presented with many chances to spend some more money. Yet more annoying are the ads that encourage OTHERS to make more incursions into the Taxpayers’ Stash, in the never-ending attempt to empty the Treasury and make all of us welfare-dependent serfs. (Yeah, I know, it’s already gone and we’re running on IOUs now. I try not to think about it.).

An example: Multiple times a day, I see a loooong loud ad that starts by LITERALLY YELLING: “STOP! STOP everything you’re doing right now and look at your screen!” Holy cow! I stopped doing dishes at once and looked at the screen because the voice continued, “You may be missing out on benefits you are ENTITLED to!”

Yes, friends, this ad is determined to convince “Medicare and Medicaid” recipients who must also be hearing-impaired, that they might very well be MISSING OUT on some sweet bennies! If you are in “the right Zip Code” (say what?) you could get extra loot to pay for co-pays for vision care, dentists, doctors, and – no, really – “healthy” groceries! Medicare is running on fumes and the government is trying to make it pay for GROCERIES now?

Of course, as we have seen from restricting food stamps and other commodity giveaways to “healthy” foods, this just means that the recipients use the stamps to pay for semi-decent groceries and use their cash to pay for liquor, cigarettes, soda pop, and junk food. With all the well-intentioned attempts in the world to force people to make healthier choices, I see irrefutable evidence that America has licked its Anorexia problem forever.

Alternatively, of course, recipients just sell the food stamps and use THAT cash for drugs and donuts. Many’s the time here in Walmart in Arizona, I have been behind illegals, sorry, MIGRANTS, who pay for groceries with some sort of welfare card and then haul out a shockingly large wad of cash to pay for Tecate and cigarettes. What a country, right?! I find it fascinating that those extras relentlessly advertised to Medicaid recipients are doled out by Zip Code. How much you wanna bet that YOUR Zip Code is not eligible?

Moving on to other offers, since we are only a YEAR away from Nominating Conventions, I get dozens of offers an hour to contribute to the useless grifters in both political parties. A pox on both your Houses, and also on the Senate. With VERY few exceptions, I’m not giving a dime and certainly not to a corrupt overarching Committee that is only going to dole out the loot to the candidates they prefer who have no intention of upsetting any apple carts.

Plus funding lavish getaways, parties, salaries and bonuses for the employees of that Committee whose main goal is to deliver failure. Mission accomplished! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me hundreds of times, somebody take pity and lock up my checkbook!

I get many offers for investment opportunities, but, luckily, I don’t handle those. If it were up to me, we would have put all our money into CDs – especially after we got the CD player. (Rim shot!) No, seriously, I’m not good with money, except for the spending part. If you are looking for a gal who knows how to make cash disappear like ice cubes on Arizona asphalt in August, I’m your Grrrll. Thank God, there’s Joe/Max!

The wonderful young comic Nate Bargatze has a bit about how he also is not on top of his finances, in fact, doesn’t even know what bank his wife has their money in. He says his wife walks in and says, “Is somebody having FUN here – I’d like to put a stop to that!” And then he confesses that a marriage can only have ONE fun-loving dreamer in it and one strict person. “If both people are dreamers, you’ll be homeless in an hour.”

But perhaps the most bizarre offers I get daily are for what I BELIEVE is sex, but couched in very strange algorithm-avoiding terms. It is crystal clear to me that the sites are not populated with native English speakers despite pretending that “Brenda” or “Lisa” is conveniently located just around the corner from me. HOW an elderly, married, ferociously heterosexual woman keeps getting these offers from women is a mystery. No matter how many times they are blocked, up they pop again in a new guise.

How do I know they are foreign scammers and not “local women”? Here is an EXACT example of one from a few days ago:

“Curious and dirty woman Beauty but great sex drive wants to meet a cozy horny man for nice sex moments.” Does that sound like a native English-speaker to YOU, even a semi-literate imbecilic one, such as a member of The View?

So much to unpack there. I know most of us ladies like our men “horny AND cozy,” although this “curious and dirty woman” is not actually promising much, just “moments.” The random, whimsical capital letter on Beauty just makes it for me.

Last week, “Lola” was looking for a man to “meet in a intellectual way.” Try the library, dear.

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