Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll continues her post-election series in GET A GRIP! Part 3 – VIRTUE SIGNALING WITHOUT THE VIRTUE. She writes:

One of the most unnerving aspects of the Great Democrat Freakout has been the astonishing level of nastiness unleashed. Like lynch mobs everywhere, the larger the audience, the more unhinged the behavior of individuals in the crowd. An aging, has-been singer shrieks her fantasy of blowing up the White House. Later, she walks it back, saying she was quoted “out of context,” though her words are perfectly clear. That was not particularly surprising since she had also welshed on her promise of Bill Clinton’s favorite form of sex to anyone voting for Hillary on November 8th. Had she kept her word, she would have missed the Pink Hat Rally because she would have been far too busy. And unable to speak clearly.

A multimillionaire actress/talk show host not only pretends to believe that Republicans want to return her race to picking cotton, but now wonders aloud just how different we Trump voters are from the Taliban. Gosh, isn’t that Islamophobic comparing the mostly-peaceful Taliban to deplorable, irredeemable Trumpers? I guess the slavery thing wasn’t harsh enough.

Good God Almighty, I hope we are out of awards shows for awhile, not that I ever watch. The list of actors I will never again pay to see is getting very long. I can only watch The Rock and Jason Statham films so many times before I have them memorized. These awards shows now look more like Comintern speeches with competition to see which androgynous little wussie-pants can sound more macho encouraging “fighting” in the streets, “punching people in the face,” or “Resistance” to frenzied applause from the gathered trained seals. Remember, guys, in a real fight that’s not choreographed there are no stuntmen.

But perhaps the nastiest attacks of all have been on Trump’s family. There were the horrible Tweets about his blameless young son. There were the charming “rape Melania” banners, so odious I thought for sure they had to be photoshopped. They were not. There is an alleged comedienne I had never heard of named Chelsea Handler who announced apropos of nothing that she won’t have Melania on her talk show because “she can’t speak English well enough to be understood.” We’ll get to this in a minute, but let me introduce you to Ms. Handler, in case, like me, you don’t watch much stupid cable television and were blissfully unaware of her existence.

So I Google her and find a clip of her work. To channel a Toby Keith lyric: “Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.” Understand this about me, my friends. I am THE EASIEST comedy audience in the known world. New comics used to beg me to be in the audience when they performed so they could count on one raucous laugher. Lest you think, “Well, she would only laugh at comics whose politics she agrees with.” Wrong-o. Back when Jon Stewart was actually funny, I laughed at him a lot. I love and adore Ellen DeGeneres, think she is a brilliant comic, and a very nice person, despite disagreeing with her politics.

I watched the obnoxious Ms. Handler for about six minutes – all I could stand of her smug, grating personality – and I never even smiled once. The very large audience in Chicago, I must honestly note with some despair, was laughing uproariously. Let’s see if you do:

• She first mentions Chicago multiple times, a cheap applause line in a crappy comedian’s arsenal. Then she asks if there are any black people in the audience and says, “Smile, so I can see you.” Ooooh, edgy! Then she tells us about how happy she is to be in Chicago because she has had to go to some terrible effing places on a tour that she would have us believe was arranged without her knowledge and against her will:

• Des Moines. (big laugh), Boise (another laugh), and finally Alaska. She does not know why she did a book signing there because “nobody can read there.” She meets a male fan whose wife is in the restroom who says his wife reminds him of her. The woman comes out of the restroom and you will never guess what: The lady has “one effin’ tooth.” So, not just a nasty gratuitous swipe at fans, no less, but an obvious stupid lie. Thinking of visiting Alaska? “Don’t effin’ bother!” Are you ROTFLYAO yet? Me neither. Needless to say, she did not say “effin.’”

Iowa, Idaho, Alaska. Nothing but unhip people unworthy of a brilliant wit like her, but worthy of shelling out some major coin to see her. How she must hate most Americans, including the very people who made her rich and famous! As someone on the road for 30 years, I consider my travels across America to be the highlight of my career. Just a few favorite Heartland venues of mine: Rockford, IL; Pueblo, CO; Baton Rouge, LA; Billings, MT; Laurel, MS; Macon, GA; Texarkana, TX; Janesville, WI; Salem, OH; Mt. Pleasant, MI; and yes, Des Moines. Met wonderful people in each town, some became friends for life; rocked the sold-out shows, many return engagements; standing ovations. (Even a personal letter from the Democrat First Lady of Iowa who was in the audience of 1500 in “effin’” Des Moines!)

When Ms. Handler showed a slide of herself on a portable toilet on safari in Africa, that was all I could stand of what passed for an “act.” What a coincidence that Iowa, Idaho and Alaska all went for Trump. When Hillary runs through the Blame List for her defeat – Comey, the Russians, FOX News, Rush, Comey again, Sexism, White Men, conservative women of any color, the electoral college, Obama – maybe she will get around to the insulting Ms. Handler.

So this is the genius who won’t interview Melania, who speaks five languages. I hope our elegant First Lady can recover from the snub. None of these Mean Girls of any gender would dream of criticizing a Spanish speaker trying to speak English, or correct a black person who said “axe” for “ask” (something I believe they do just to be annoying…). But a beautiful immigrant woman whose English is not perfect deserves mocking. Because liberals are so nice. Virtuous, even. Not Taliban-y at all.

My little mother-in-law, of blessed memory, was a math genius who was also a Life Master at Duplicate Bridge. Her English was often quite amusing. When we would arrive in Chicago, she would ask “Did you druve or did you flew?” Once in a bridge tournament, a gentleman opponent criticized her English and she said, “I am very sorry. It is my sixth language.” (Latvian, Russian, French, Yiddish, German and English.)

Unlike Ms. Handler, he then shut his mouth. I’m guessing he also got beat like a rented mule.

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